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Takako: (drunkenly) Hey, Hokoushimo.
Cassandra: (long-suffering) Yeah, Clearfield?
Takako: What did the paladin say to the druid priestess?
Cassandra: I’m sure I don’t know. Well, I might. You have a huge repertoire of paladin jokes, but even you can’t help repeating some of them eventually.
Takako: They used to say the best paladins die young.
Cassandra: There are no old … uh, bold paladins?
Takako: No, that’s a whole different fucking genre of bad jokes. Sorta like …
Cassandra: Never mind. What did the paladin say to the druid priestess?
Takako: I asked you first.
Cassandra: Come on, Kiyohara.
Takako: You ever meet a paladin? ‘Course not, you’re too goddessdamn young by centuries. Old Empire useta call important blokes on horses paladins, after some old deity or something. In movies then they turn into painfully virtuous bastards who go questing for shit. Right?
Cassandra: Yeah, I know what a paladin is.
Takako: I don’t haveta tell you what a druid is of course. That’s one thing you could prolly educate me on, not to sound condescending or anything. One thing you don’t know though is that “druid” and “dryad” are Marish an’ … an’ … some other fucking language-ish for the same bloody god botherers.
Cassandra: No, dryads are …
Takako: Nothing at all like tree spirits, but in fact priestesses an’ priests of some old goddess of lurrrrrrrve. Don’t be misled by the damn cinema. I mean, the last film they made of the Ilthmiri Civil War. the most totally fucking documented of any of this poor planet’s conflicts, was told from the point of view of Kaonthil Telith’s dominant husband. Kiyohara Shigeo. Almost paladin-like in his virtue and foresight and wisdom, was ol’ Kiyohara.
Cassandra: I saw that film …
Takako: I don’t remember him ever wearing plate armour or carrying a broadsword. Well, I don’t remember him very well at all, really, but that’s more or less beside the point. I’m a hopeless fucking nerd, and I get my nerdiness from both sides of the ol’ family tree. Shigeo was a bookworm.
Cassandra: How does all this have anything to do with what the paladin said …
Takako: I’m getting to it. It helps to know that this particular druid priestess’ name was Hjoerthrimul.
Cassandra: Why?
Takako: ‘Cause Hjoerthrimul is about the least sexy name possible for a sexy dame. It’s a name for a woman in a breastplate with huge torpedo-like breasts. I mean, if I was to set you up on a date with my good friend Hjoerthrimul you would probably stay up all night worrying how to compliment some eighteen-stone Valkyrie on her powerful soprano and her technique with a broadsword. There I go with the fucking swords again.
Cassandra: Takako ….
Takako: Like I was saying ….
Cassandra: Hey, one sec. You say that druids and dryads are the same — but druids preach about Father Nature, and dryads had a female deity.
Takako: That ain’t the stupidest confusion people have had over gods, you know. Old Empire goddess named Cybele, right? Goddess of the moon? All her priestesses started out as men. Happened like this: one day, a bloke would drink too much and cut off his own junk and sacrifice it on a fire to Cybele. After that he was officially a she for all legal purposes. Predated proper thaumatological sex reassignment procedure by millennia but … you know, gods and shit.
Cassandra: That’s revolting.
Takako: Har har, the priests are revolting.
Cassandra: Get on with your dumb joke.
Takako: You’d think I was telling you the Aristocrats joke. Do you know that one?
Cassandra: No, I don’t, and don’t want to. I think this quaintly-named Ambiguously Purple Train is going to stop at your station next.
Takako: That’s bloody appropriate then. So, what the paladin said to the druid priestess was, “Darling, I simply must know the name of your armourer!”
August 4th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
Paladins?
August 6th, 2008 at 10:46 am
Takako: (drunkenly) Hey, Hokoushimo.
Cassandra: (long-suffering) Yeah, Clearfield?
Takako: What did the paladin say to the druid priestess?
Cassandra: I’m sure I don’t know. Well, I might. You have a huge repertoire of paladin jokes, but even you can’t help repeating some of them eventually.
Takako: They used to say the best paladins die young.
Cassandra: There are no old … uh, bold paladins?
Takako: No, that’s a whole different fucking genre of bad jokes. Sorta like …
Cassandra: Never mind. What did the paladin say to the druid priestess?
Takako: I asked you first.
Cassandra: Come on, Kiyohara.
Takako: You ever meet a paladin? ‘Course not, you’re too goddessdamn young by centuries. Old Empire useta call important blokes on horses paladins, after some old deity or something. In movies then they turn into painfully virtuous bastards who go questing for shit. Right?
Cassandra: Yeah, I know what a paladin is.
Takako: I don’t haveta tell you what a druid is of course. That’s one thing you could prolly educate me on, not to sound condescending or anything. One thing you don’t know though is that “druid” and “dryad” are Marish an’ … an’ … some other fucking language-ish for the same bloody god botherers.
Cassandra: No, dryads are …
Takako: Nothing at all like tree spirits, but in fact priestesses an’ priests of some old goddess of lurrrrrrrve. Don’t be misled by the damn cinema. I mean, the last film they made of the Ilthmiri Civil War. the most totally fucking documented of any of this poor planet’s conflicts, was told from the point of view of Kaonthil Telith’s dominant husband. Kiyohara Shigeo. Almost paladin-like in his virtue and foresight and wisdom, was ol’ Kiyohara.
Cassandra: I saw that film …
Takako: I don’t remember him ever wearing plate armour or carrying a broadsword. Well, I don’t remember him very well at all, really, but that’s more or less beside the point. I’m a hopeless fucking nerd, and I get my nerdiness from both sides of the ol’ family tree. Shigeo was a bookworm.
Cassandra: How does all this have anything to do with what the paladin said …
Takako: I’m getting to it. It helps to know that this particular druid priestess’ name was Hjoerthrimul.
Cassandra: Why?
Takako: ‘Cause Hjoerthrimul is about the least sexy name possible for a sexy dame. It’s a name for a woman in a breastplate with huge torpedo-like breasts. I mean, if I was to set you up on a date with my good friend Hjoerthrimul you would probably stay up all night worrying how to compliment some eighteen-stone Valkyrie on her powerful soprano and her technique with a broadsword. There I go with the fucking swords again.
Cassandra: Takako ….
Takako: Like I was saying ….
Cassandra: Hey, one sec. You say that druids and dryads are the same — but druids preach about Father Nature, and dryads had a female deity.
Takako: That ain’t the stupidest confusion people have had over gods, you know. Old Empire goddess named Cybele, right? Goddess of the moon? All her priestesses started out as men. Happened like this: one day, a bloke would drink too much and cut off his own junk and sacrifice it on a fire to Cybele. After that he was officially a she for all legal purposes. Predated proper thaumatological sex reassignment procedure by millennia but … you know, gods and shit.
Cassandra: That’s revolting.
Takako: Har har, the priests are revolting.
Cassandra: Get on with your dumb joke.
Takako: You’d think I was telling you the Aristocrats joke. Do you know that one?
Cassandra: No, I don’t, and don’t want to. I think this quaintly-named Ambiguously Purple Train is going to stop at your station next.
Takako: That’s bloody appropriate then. So, what the paladin said to the druid priestess was, “Darling, I simply must know the name of your armourer!”
August 6th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
holy shit
August 7th, 2008 at 12:39 am
Well… I suppose that explains things.
August 7th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Haha! You win Tamayo. You win for the day.
August 8th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
*applause*
That was simply fantastic.
November 6th, 2008 at 4:07 am
The people in such cases, said so - Avos will be alive, maybe pomrem.